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30 Reddit Users Confess The Unpleasant Things They’ve Done When They’re Horny

Sometimes anonymous trolls on the internet are very irritating. But, the good thing about anonymity is that it can give you the convenience of confessing to about anything without directly exposing yourself to some major embarrassment.

Just take it from these AskReddit users who took the time to answer Head_O_Hydra’s question: “What’s the most pathetic thing you’ve done because you were horny?”

Read on their answers below:

#1. The 12-gauge shotgun

“When I was about 24 I took the barrel from my husband’s 12-gauge shotgun, wrapped some paper towel around the sight to soften it then put a condom on it. I did this many times and masturbated with the barrel. I’ve never told anyone that story.”

#2. The microwaved banana peel.

“Ate a banana. Microwaved the banana peel. Fucked the microwaved banana peel. 14-year-old me quickly learned not to stick his dick in microwaved banana peels fresh out of the microwave. That, however, didn’t stop me from trying to fuck a jar of peanut butter two days later. 14-year-old me was a dumbass.”

#3. Now this is very pathetic!

“Pre-Internet, home alone looking for anything mildly arousing, jerked it to photo of the birth of Venus from the encyclopedia set.”

#4. That’s meaty.

“I heated ham in a microwave and used it in a ZipLoc bag. I also told friends that I did so to be all “cool and out there.” Now essentially my entire graduating class knows I fucked deli meats.”

#5. Dictionaries are useful.

“When I was much younger and before I knew the existence of porn, I masturbated to the dictionary definition of ‘sexual intercourse.’”

#6. So that’s why it’s called a snowball.

“I thought putting my dick into a snowball would be fun. Turns out I compacted it too tight, so it was like rubbing dick on an ice-rink floor. 0/10 would fuck Frosty the Snowman again.”

#7. Here comes the milkman!

“I was real horny and in a dry spell. I decided to join FetLife and started chatting. One chick who I guess was prob a guy and I started swapping photos. She wanted to see me hang a two-liter milk bottle off my balls with shoe laces and make a video of it singing, ‘Here comes the milk man, full cream full cream.’ She / he then tried to extort me for money otherwise she would post it on the internet. I told her to fuck off. Somewhere out there is a video of me swinging two liters of milk from my sack and singing a song.”

#8. Chef Boyardee would not approve of this.

“I once fucked a can of Chef Boyardee raviolis, and I actually ejaculated.”

#9. Stole a traffic cone.

“I was about 12 or 13, stole a traffic cone, and fucked it a few times. I had to cut a slit in the hole and fold it in, then put some Vaseline-soaked cloth in to line it. I was a pretty creative child.”

#10. Calamari.

“I jerked off with a big handful of calamari. I was really drunk and thought the rubbery tentacles would feel good. I wasn’t totally wrong.”

#11. Condom + banana.

“Put a condom on a banana and fucked myself with it. I didn’t want to get mold in my vagina.”

#12. WTF!

“When I was 13, I was curious and I pooped in a condom and put it on my wiener. That’s when I discovered I definitely did not have a scat fetish.”

#13. Exploring gayness – with a Sharpie!

“So when I was about 15 or something, I was starting to explore my gayness, but didn’t really know how. I though “Well, gay people like dick, right?” and I had one, so if I jerk my dick off and pretend its someone else, I’m basically doing some gay shit. Well, I couldnt really get into it, so logically what I did was Sharpie my dick black and pretend I was jerking off a black guy. Cool story right?”

#14. This is wrong in so many levels.

“When I was a kid I was pretty hard up for pornography (pre-Internet days). I did have one book my parents had though that had pictures of naked people in them. At the time I didn’t understand what I was looking at, but years later I realized they were photos taken by the Nazis of Jews during the Holocaust. As a child I masturbated to the Holocaust.”

#15. Bloody, mate!

“Masturbated until bloody. Turns out when you shave your pubes and then use an industrial vibrator, the tiny little hairs growing back basically operate like sandpaper. Looked down, saw a bloody vibrator. It was scary but I decided to finish anyway.”

#16. Status: In a relationship with celery.

“I broke my hymen while putting a stalk of celery in me.”

#17. Self-abuse.

“Tried to stick my dick in my own ass a few days ago.”

#18. The perks of having a seamstress grandma.

“My grandmother was a seamstress and had these massive rolls of thread on cone-shaped dispensers. I stole one and used it to masturbate for 6 years or so till I was 18 and could get a vibrator. Sorry, Grandma.”

#19. Gives new meaning to ‘under the table’.

“I masturbated under the table during the SAT after I gave up on a section I couldn’t handle.”

#20. Towel holder.

“I put a condom on a wooden towel holder and fucked it. Then I gave that wooden towel holder to my friend when I moved away. Long-distance relationships are hard.”

#21. Geez!

“Fapped to Home Shopping Network hostesses.”

#22. Pee in the mouth.

“I once let a girl pee in my mouth just so she would blow me on a tennis court in the middle of the night. I was 16 and out of options at 2am.”

#23. Car wash.

“Pulled up Pornhub and vigorously rubbed one out over the course of an Ultra Supreme Rain-X car wash once.”

#24. Borrowing batteries.

“In my sophomore year of college, the batteries in my vibrator ran out at a really inopportune time. I put on some pajamas, walked down the hall, and checked in our communal TV’s remote for an exchange. This became somewhat of a tradition, culminating in the realization that I needed to buy my own batteries when I found myself doing it in somebody else’s dorm. When I graduated to plug-in vibrators I forgot to account for wattage changes when going abroad and blew out the fuse of my apartment as a first introduction to all of my roommates.”

#25. Pretty inventive!

“I engineered a Fleshlight out of a towel, rubber band, rubber glove and hand lotion which I then taped to the computer desk and fucked. I was home alone and 14.”

#26. Never again!

“I once fucked a toilet paper roll. Got a paper cut on my cock. Never again. Without lube. Never again without lube.”

#27. Sinner!

“Jerked it to Song of Solomon from the Old Testament during a power outage at age 13. I chose that chapter because I heard it had the word ‘breasts’ in it.”

#28. Channeling Macho Man.

“I once pretended I was Randy Macho Man Savage for my ex-wife. She loved it so much, she let me fuck her in the ass while she diddled her vag with a vibrator and I screamed out Macho Man quotes till she came.”

#29. In the pool.

“Jerked off in my friend’s pool while he was inside making us sandwiches while we were 13. I finished as he came back outside and he dove headfirst into my floating cum. Sandwiches were good. 8/10.”

#30. That probably hurts!

“I was so horny I could barely function. I had bought a vibrator but I was still at that age where my parents would flip if they found it. I ran out of batteries and there was no way I could get any without being suspicious so I look around the room till I find something phallic- shaped—this perfume was all I could find. My mind said ‘no that lid is removable’ but my pussy said ‘naaah don’t worry it’ll be fine’ and guess what…my pussy was WRONG.”

Photo: Elitereaders

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